Tag Archives: forgiveness

Trauma Revisited

Wallflower ©2001 Lora Shelley

Wallflower ©2001 Lora Shelley

When I was a child, I knew how to make myself invisible. I didn’t do it consciously, but I was aware that much of the time people couldn’t see me. Since then, I’ve learned that it’s possible to modify the energy fields (auras) around us by practicing a type of shapeshifting. And I’ve also come to realize that I developed this ability to hide from my father.

Twenty-two years ago, I took a one-night class on ‘channel writing’ at the Learning Annex. I was experiencing chronic writer’s block and this class was designed to help people unleash their creativity. After the class, I set up an appointment for a reading with the instructor, Dr. Loretta Ferrier, to get more information about my stuck condition and to get insight about some health issues.

Loretta zeroed in on the blockage right away. “You have accumulated a mass of energy as a result of refusing to follow your intuition. When you were a child, there was no space for you to do this. You held yourself back and you began to deform.” After telling her that I had a terrible fear of my father from early childhood, she went into trance.

“This fear, this hatred you have experienced in this lifetime comes from another lifetime you shared with your father in early England. He was a well-known spiritual leader – strong, powerful and rigid. At home he abused you, your sister and your brother – it was a living nightmare. The damage he did was so enormous that his sensitive qualities were withheld from him in this lifetime and they won’t be returned to him until he can handle them responsibly. Thus, in this lifetime with you, he was not able to feel any emotion. His job was to seek your forgiveness and make your life more pleasant. He learned some of these lessons but not all, so you will meet up with him again.”

None of this came as a big surprise. I had imagined something like this was behind my strong negative feelings and my father’s strange behavior. He never touched me in this lifetime, and now I understood that he’d been afraid to connect with me emotionally in any way. This answered my questions about my health problems, too, and now I understood why I had made myself invisible as a child and why meditating has been such a challenge.

ForgivenessSo what does this have to do with my upcoming pilgrimage? Apparently quite a lot. I thought I’d forgiven my father years ago, but from feelings of sadness that have come up in relation to him lately, it seems that I still have work to do. He’s also popped up in every psychic reading I’ve had since I began this quest, and he’s even managed to make his way into my dreams. And I’ve drawn FORGIVENESS over and over from Colette Baron-Reid’s Wisdom Cards:

Drawing this marker says that you must now search your heart for any unresolved resentment, anger, or disagreements between you and another. If you’re still hurt or angry about another’s behavior, or if there are circumstances in your life that you resent, this is a time when it’s crucial to release the negative energy surrounding those situations. Resisting this will only impede your growth and draw more unwanted experiences to you.

Well, I certainly don’t want that – especially not in Delphi. Now I all I have to do is find a way to finally and totally forgive.


The Source Weighs In

Yesterday morning when I consulted my animal oracle cards, I drew CARDINAL. According to the author of the cards Dr. Steven Farmer, cardinal represents an imbalance between spiritual pursuits and the world of the senses. This was the third time this card had shown up in two weeks. Clearly I wasn’t ‘getting’ the message. Have I been putting too much pressure on myself getting ready to confront the Oracle? Should I just relax and spend more time enjoying ‘earthly pleasures’?  I decided to put my questions to the Source.

C: Dear Spirit, PLEASE advise. What should I focus on right now to prepare for my journey?

S: REST. You have been told over and over to rest. Your tendency is to overdo, overachieve to the point of exhausting yourself. You can’t help others if your energy is weak.

C: What can I do right now to restore my energy?

S: Meditate. Find the method that works best for you. I suggest something that involves nature. Imagine yourself in beautiful outdoor environment with trees, flowers and animals – all the things you love. Feel the peace in that sacred place. Let it saturate every cell in your being knowing that the energy from that special place will restore you and keep you strong.

C: How about animal spirit guides? I’ve felt connected to so many animals, but lately I’ve been paying special attention to ravens and butterflies, and at one time I felt a special connection to the buffalo. Is it helpful for me to look for strength from the animal kingdom?

S: All of these animals are indeed good for you. Please continue to watch for them and listen for their messages. But right now, you need to pay attention to the tree spirits. You have been seeing and feeling them for some time now, and you must recognize their power and let it flow into your being. Connecting with tree spirits can give you great strength. This is what you need at this time.

live oakTrees . . . I had been noticing them more lately. Driving through Larkspur recently, a giant live oak with arms reaching every which way caught my eye, and I made a special point to stop and spend time touching its bark and admiring it’s beauty. And I had encountered another huge oak tree in Sonoma not long ago, this one even bigger than the one in Larkspur. Thought to have been around when the first English settlers arrived in North America in 1607, this tree is currently home to numerous birds including woodpeckers, jays, owls and hawks and at least two active bee hives. An awesome entity indeed.

And then I remembered the very first time I witnessed a tree being cut down. I was five or six years old and the tree was a beautiful white-barked birch, so tall that I could hardly see its top branches. Hearing the roar of a chain saw, I looked up and saw the tree slowly begin to fall to the ground. I didn’t understand why this was happening. I couldn’t imagine that there might be a good reason for removing that tree – to my young soul, this felt like murder. I’ve thought about that tree many times since then. Maybe I’ve been connected to tree spirits all this time without realizing it.

Okay, I’m getting the picture: rest, meditate, connect with nature – especially trees, dance, drum, and forgive. I haven’t mentioned that last one yet, have I? It’s another one of those things that’s been coming up repeatedly in different guises. Forgiveness can be hard and it can be scary, but it’s really, really important. I will share that boogyman with you soon – I promise.